funnee witticisms
its 1:15 am, i am bored, and going through jokes, so i thought,. what the hell, i might as well humour my readers.that is, ahem, if i have any..oh well, its great therapy writing blogs anywho!
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
If you smoke after sex, you’re doing it too fast.
I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
Born free… taxed to death.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball peen hammer.
There’s too much blood in my alcohol system.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
If you can read this, I’ve lost my trailer.
You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.
I got a gun for my wife, best trade I’ve ever made.
So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute!
Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
If, a two letter word for futility
I don’t care, I don’t have to.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
Horn broken, watch for finger.
All men are idiots … I married their king.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
My kid had sex with your honor student.
Earth first…we’ll mine the other planets later.
Give pizza chants.
Don’t hit me. My lawyer’s in jail.
This isn’t burger king, you can’t have it your way.
How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks!
If something goes without saying, LET IT!
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply
Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.
IRS We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.
Life’s a buffet… so eat me!
I’m just driving this way to piss you off.
If you don’t like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk.
Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
Missing your cat? Try looking under my tires.
I love cats … dead ones
I love cats … they taste just like chicken
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Where are we going? And why are we in this hand basket?
I want to be like Barbie, that bitch has everything.
Keep honking, I’m reloading.
Cover me. I’m changing lanes.
Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Spotted owl taste just like chicken.
Hang up and drive.
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.
I don’t have to be dead to donate my organ.
WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.
This would be really funny if it wasn’t happening to me.
I have the body of a god… Buddha!
I get enough exercise pushing my luck.
Auntie Em- Hate you, hate Kansas, taking dog. Dorothy
If you don’t like the news, go out and make your own.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep
Guns don’t kill people… but they make it real easy.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather … Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Tow-ers will be violated
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
Guns don’t kill people, postal workers do.
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
Friends don’t let Friends drive Naked.
If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie!’… till you can find a rock.
Sex on television can’t hurt you… unless you fall off.
gangsta aptitude test (GAT)
The following exam was administered to gangsters as their version of the SAT, this version is known as the official GAT (Gangsta Aptitude Tess)…
1) You just robbed som jack mo fo with $20 in his wallet. You can buy:
A. A dime and two 40’s
B. A new pair of Fila’s
C. Dashikki down the block
D. Yo mama
2) It’s tha end of da monf again and da man is on your jack for da rent. You:
A. Bust a cap in his ass
B. Say, “Shit man, why you all up in ma bidness?”
C. Have anuther kid on welfare
D. Yo mama
3) You and ya holmes are banging down da block when yall scam da uther mo fo’s commin your way. If ya both jaking your hydros, and both yall draw yur gats, which of da following happens:
A. Shit goes down in da hood
B. Ya check yur colours and let the cop-killers fly
C. Shit man, I do’no maff
D. Yo mama
4) You drink haff a 40. How much is left:
A. Haff
B. Da uther haff
C. Zum mo
D. Bout enuff to jak yo mama
5) You, beein da shit you are, dress yo self in da morn in which of deese:
A. Yo Tek 9 with da Raiders hat
B. Da AK47 with yo Fila’s
6) Tiz yo 21st birfday. You:
A. Hook up with Dashikki down the block and treat her to MceeDees
B. Treat yo self to crack, ice cream, and 40’s
C. Gaffle da man
D. I do’no maff
JOG-MAFEE
7) Wher iz da mutherland at:
A. Afrika
B. Mehico
C. Compton
D. Souff Centra
E. Yo mama
What am da capita of California?
A. Da Hood
B. Compton
C. Compton
D. Compton
ANALAMA-G’S
9) Tek 9 : Gatt :
A. Yo mama : Dashikki
B. Fila’s : Nike
C. Tu pac : Barry White
D. St. Ive’s : Colt 45
10) Malt Liquor : Da Chronic :
A. Da Man : Da Systum
B. ReeRun : MC Hammer
C. Fat Albert : Shaft
D. Yo mama : Dashikki
NOW LOOKIE HERE FOO. I GOTS TO AXE YOU AN EXXAY QUEXTIUN: IN 25 WURDS MO O LESS, TELL UZ ME WHO AM DA MAN?
So dat we may give uh you yo cowrecked sco, sine yo tag here
this, this is for tony, one of the forst ones, not that its exceptionally funny or anything
ill call the joke posts “TONYS”(cuz tony actually said that other joke was funny) ok, so thats still in the thinking…but hey…tony #1, tony #2..not too bad..n’est pas?
PRISON AND WORK
IN PRISON…….You spend the majority of your time in an 8×10 cell.
AT WORK……..You spend most of your time in a 6×8 cubicle.
IN PRISON…….You get three meals a day.
AT WORK……..You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON…….You get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK……..You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.
IN PRISON…….A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK……..You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON……..You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK………You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON…….You get your own toilet.
AT WORK……..You have to share.
IN PRISON…….They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK……..You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON…….All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK……..You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON…….You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK……..You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON……There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK…….They are called supervisors.
IN PRISON…….You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK……..You get fired if you get caught.
NOW GET BACK TO WORK!
when youre only “officially” in a relationship with someone
i “officialy” have a boyfriend.
when i say officially, i mean that “people” think, yea, those two, they are together, if you ask, thats the standard answer.
i however, do not personally feel so, i wake up each morning, and go through my day, and if someone doesnt ask me of him, i do not think about him.
it is really very funny see, because he too is apparently under the illusion that “we” have a “relationship”.
it started good-for me. all the girls in school were acting like he was the bees knees.you know, new student, good looking, rather, “ungettable” naturally, i developed a crush on him (its amazing what other peoples approval of a said object can do to a person) so anyways, me gets what me wants.
this is when he “officially” became my boyfriend.. at first was really cool, i was sooo happy, thinking i had what i wanted (but it was not! because it was obviously something that other people, not me, thought was tha shyt.not that i realized this), i was happy, i called him nonstop, always wanted to be around him(at this point, i’d like to point out that this is very unlike me, i was carrying out an, ahem experiment, to see how it feels to openly emote.(more on that later) and so on and so forth,funny thing was, he wasnt really into the whole thing then.
and then it started.it wasnt the first time.i lost interest.i simply became numb towards him.all those faults i overlooked in my effort to like him started being magnifyed..he just well irritates me! his attitude his philosophy on life ( i honestly feel like the word philosophy is being insulted when its used to describe his outlook), and everything really, the way he laughs, talks, tis really that bad.
i literally run the oppsite way we i see him(hmm, funny thing is, now he seems really interested huh?) my friend insists this is childish.i agree, but so far, it works, i still have my sanity.
im uncmfortable with making people feel bd, so i dont know how to tell him, well that its over.i want him to do it, ive tried hinting it, i havent called him in three days, i dont reply texts, i dont say “me too” but he seems freaking oblivious to the fact that, well, its OVER!! he thinks its a phase ill get over, i wont. arghh its all so so, annoying really
so you see, im numb. i really dont feel like i have a boyfriend. i only do when im literally reminded of him, i do not like him anymore! so this whole “relationship” thing, im curious as to who and who are in it, cuz im out!
ill jus have to figure out a way to let him know.and plus, i LOVE my personal space, i NEED freedom, i cant cope with someone, whining, and demanding that i ” feel the same ” all the time.get a life, its irritating, choking, asphyxiating..you get my picture?
im open to suggestions on how to let him down easy.ciao!
this is classified as whining.the beginning only, really.
so again, my dumb internet is so slow, that the option to put up pictures isnt coming up, so ill just write, without pictures..
so ive been thinking about what to put up here, and ive come up with a couple of things.
1. im going to do a weekly post with my crush of the week (yes, they do change that fast, i cant help it! im a teenage girl!)
2. i have to get around to doing a post on shoes (yummy stuff! i love shoes see) especially chucks! ok thats just for the moment, it happens to be my most recent “phase”
3. hey that was a good one, do a post on my “phases” and try to sort out the workings of my random mind
4. get round to doing a post on chelsea fc, i totally love that team!! ok, so my reasons do involve ballack, and shevchenko(a bit biased on that one), mikel, and of course, Jose Mourinho..gotta love!
5.i cannot think of a number five so i’ll leave it here fo now
ok, im writing this…mainly for myself, because im too lazy to look for where i write down my notes concerning this blog, so, i figured, i’ll just make this up as a post, and ill get to read it when i come here, and remember! even though i dont htink ive written everything ooh heres one more
6.baths, showers, water in general, combined with bubblebath soap or showergel..is pure bliss
7. i do have to let y’all know things i like right? all that cheesy stuff, like, freshly made beds with crisp sheets, rainy days..hey gotta save something for the actual post!
arghhhh im all out of steam, can you believe i didnt touch my computer all week!?
oh well, got my list out….i.am.such.a.genius!!!
ps.is this actually how i sound!? good Lord, its really uh, random, and disorganized, thoughts flowing from one point to another, and back again, hey i cant help it! im a Sagittarius, we tend to be uh, full of many ideas at the same time, and well, whirlwind through things..fun eh?
so about this wedding thing
its on saturday, and i’m getting this gorgeous dress made, its so beaut…and ah, its like an olive green (hey the bride chose green for some reason) and i got these awesome wedges to go with it, and im getting my hair done, its fun!
I didnt want to go, but i just felt this thing,. like when God tells me to do something, this involved obeying my father, and ell, i trust God has a good ending in there for me so what the heck? lol, new dress, new shoes? this looks good!
how i came to be part of this wedding? well my dad found this “long lost friend” and we were all inthe sitting room, me typing something for my dad, when this “long lost friend”’s daughter blurts out to my dad if i can be maid of honour at her wedding, at this point im thinking, has she no friends? i let that brief thought pass, i look at my dad, he says yes, yes she can be maid of honour.. YES? he said YES? he didnt even ask me! did i mention that this is the first time im seeing the LLF’s daughter?, YES, and its me wearing the dres, ME walking down the AISLE oh well
so im just here, waiting for my dress to be made, just going through the week, kinda dreading saturday, but then theres this thought: why would a bride in her right mind want somebody way uh, more spectacular than her at her wedding? as a guest, maybe she has no choice, but as a MAID OF HONOUR? i really dont know at this point, i am SO going to outshine her (and im not bragging in any way, i assure you, i’m just laying out the facts) im taller than her, i got lighter skin(im bound to stand out) and im still going to wear heels, and my dress is GREEN, and im not part of any group (like the flower girls)…this is going to be one interesting wedding, no doubt!! in my choice of dress, there was this totally cute one with a uh, poofed? bottom? but i really idnt want to outdo her,not intentionally, i still will,. but i cant help that, o ill control what i can help right? lol
im tired ya’ll get back to you guys later.ps.does aybody even read this rant!???! ah W/E love yooooo!!!!!
school owns my life.really
so school started again like two weeks ago..and it shows! ive hardly come near my computer since then..well because, it totally owns my life! i have no strengeth whatsoever after school, which will explain why i have no will to fight for the internet with my father see, i just let him have the phone, its so much easier!
i have to get back blogging, when i get my sleep schedule right, because as far as i can make out, thats the problem, sleep, i dont get enough of it, or im sleeping in the wrong hours..school isnt bad, really, its the going to school part that gets to me, the waking up and going, school is really okay, my friends, my teachers are chill, and as an added bonus, the banana has gone!
the banana, zeze, “your principal” (nobody will admit to him) has gone! fired, resigned,(rumours are he stole money) it doesnt make any difference, he’s not there and nothing, repeat nothing, could make me unhappy again, il take anything, just as long as hes not there! oh the joy
more on that some other time it’s one am ( i seem to write most of my blogs then…wonder why?) and there is school tomorrow, and my stomach hurts..ahem, ahem…
im just writing this to assure all my loyal, adoring fans (mmh hmm, wistful thinking!) that im alive and well, at least for now, if physics doesnt kill me real soon, and that ill write something, and more regularly too,(won’t you just like to hear about my days??) soon, i even had some topics all planned out, like, the fact that i hoard like the the war is starting, im sooo sentimental! was thinking of writing on my favourite books, on habits that people have that just shouldnt be allowed..and so on and so forth, and how ah..you get the picture?
so anywho, ill be back, and ill try and come up with something slightly fun (slightly? who am i kidding, i entertain the hell out of you guys!) and now, before i have enough luggage under my eyes to pay for the extra kg’s im off to get some sleep..argh. chemistry first period tomorrow…90 whole minutes of it..oh well
p.s: someone should come up with a list of topics for me to address(address? who says that?!) and ill give you my profoud insight on them 
oh yea! i can be deep, really deep..muahahahaha ok, i NEED sleep! muah!
p.p.s how could i forget this? i have an “event” this weekend, my dad got me into going for this wedding thingy and im the maid of honour..its kind of A STORY , theres a lot to it, but more on that later..jus tthought to ah, get you er, salivating? (ok, so that brought up images of fluffy, the three headed dog in Harry Potter and the sorcerers stone…) lol, so ill give you the scoop on how i got into it, the dress, and all that…l8az!
i give up on this thing, i cant fint the toolbar so i could put pictures up
sometimes the bar where the font options, insert picture options etc doesnt come up, im sure it exists, because ive used it once, the picture of the square in Kyiv is some posts down to prove it..
i really need to put the pictures of the Iranian boy up, and the bar is nowhere to be found! argh, i dont know how to go about this.i need help with it.and ASAP pleasssseeeeeeee i’m begging you guys!!
how is it possible that horrible things like this are happening in our world today because of religion..hes only 8 for crying out loud!
Plead people to stop fighting in the name of religion.To stop doing such deeds, and then justifying them in the name of religion… No religion has ever justified such heneous crime … Pass it on …let the world know watz happenening in the name of God and religion..i took this off of treebeard31.wordpress.com.. i just had to, people need to see this for themselves..can you believe the horrible things people do? and try to justify it with religion, if thats the case then maybe we should just forget religion, maybe its not what it used to be, religion preaches love and respect, and this? this is not love or respect, this is evil
hmm chill for a sec i cant find the place to insert the pictures, ill put them up after this post maybe? yea ill do that, i have to get them to photobucket first and stuff..but its horrible, the kid stole bread and they crush his arm? cant they just give him something to eat?! won’t that take his mind of stealing? people dont steal bread because they are greedy, or want to make profit, people steal bread, in small amounts because they are HUNGRY!! and not because they are bad, they should be fed not punished( not that im saying that such barbaric methods of justice should be acceptable in other situations)but he was just a hungry kid, he really didnt commit any crime! its just heart wretching, for those of you who have kids around that age, you would know that a child of that age, is innocent really, and nothing he could do would deserve such cruel treatment, my little sister is going to be 8 in september, i just cannot imagine something like this happening to her, shes too little to even understand fully, shes a child, shes hungry, how can she be punished for that? HES A CHILD!! he doesnt know! its just too bad, its a very big shame, that in this age and time, something as crude as that is still happening, we dont live in caves anymore!!
the best i can do for now, youll just have to cut and past in a fresh window:
http://i117.photobucket.com/albums/o51/mariannauke/sad.jpg
http://i117.photobucket.com/albums/o51/mariannauke/sad2.jpg
http://i117.photobucket.com/albums/o51/mariannauke/sad3.jpg
http://i117.photobucket.com/albums/o51/mariannauke/sad4.jpg
http://i117.photobucket.com/albums/o51/mariannauke/sad6.jpg
and for those of you who know how and what you can do, you can start doing something about this, dont just sit there, get up and do something!
